TFP: Seekers Past

IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME


It should have been me.
Starscream's optics were glued to the ground, watching the blue glow of energon peek through the rubble of Kaon.  He had been following Shockwave since their escape pod had crashed.  He wasn't sure how long ago that was or where it had even landed.  He felt numb.
Gone.  Megatron was gone.
For the first time in eons Starscream had experienced the feeling of true loyalty to his master.  A feeling that had long wavered since his rise through the Decepticon ranks.  And now, the Cybertronian who had made the Air Commander all he was, was gone.  Dead.  Just like that.
Starscream rubbed absentmindedly at his spark chamber.
It should have been me.
His gait slowed and he fell farther behind the Decepticon scientist.
For almost as long as he could remember Starscream had sought ways to seize control of or exterminate the warlord.  All of his plans had failed.  Of course, deep down, he always new they would.  He cared more for his own well-being than for that of anyone else, but if he were truly honest, he had always admired his leader.  He had, from the very beginning, wished to please the mighty Megatron.
He remembered the days when Megatron had shown true pleasure at his victories.
He remembered the look of gratitude in those crimson optics when Starscream had once saved him from a collapsing structure.
Of course he had wanted to take Megatron's place, but he equally, if not the tiniest fraction more, wanted to see pride in his master's optics when he entered the room.
But that wouldn't happen.
Megatron was gone.
Starscream stopped, rubbing the Decepticon insignia on his chest plate.  He stared up at the towering statue of his deceased leader.  It was worn, cracked, from the great wars.  Smoke had blackened it in parts.  
He could feel his optics widening sorrowfully.  He was lost.
“Starscream?”
The seeker glanced at the scientist, back to the statue, dropped his wings.
It should have been me.
After all the blunders, schemes, treacheries...  How could he still be alive while Megatron, the gladiator who cheated death, was reduced to a lump of molten metal?  A pile of charred scrap.  And killed by the Autobot scout, no less!
“Master...” he whispered, not knowing what to do.
He could hear Shockwave's footfalls approaching.
I said I would avenge you, master, and I meant it with all my spark.
“Starscream.”  Shockwave's servo rested lightly on his shoulder.  “We must keep moving.  My lab isn't far.”  His voice was gentler than usual.  Starscream wondered if he suffered from their loss as well.  Of course, emotion wouldn't be logical, would it?
The flier shrugged off Shockwave's servo and groaned.  He meant it to be a growl, but he was too numb to put enough force into it.  He lowered his optics to the ground again.  
He should have been accompanying Megatron through Kaon, parading their victory with the head of Optimus Prime displayed as a trophy.  Yet here he was, blindly following the scientist he had learned to hate on a road to a lab he had long avoided.
Gone.  Lost.
He was confused.  He rubbed more vigorously at his spark.
Shockwave stared intently at the seeker's chest plating for a moment, then continued walking.
It would have been faster in their alt modes, but Starscream had already expressed his uncharacteristic disinterest in flying by merely standing as a statue while Shockwave tried to convince him of the logic behind traveling quickly to a safe, shielded place as opposed to being caught casually strolling through the streets by the Autobots.  Naturally the cyclops hadn't used those exact words, but Starscream had already concluded the particular error in judgment from their landing.  He just didn't care.
Soundwave probably gave his life trying to defend Megatron.  And here I am, cursed to spend who-knows-how-long with the very one who restrained me from doing the same.
It should have been me.
He curled his claws into a fist, eyeing the back of Shockwave's head, and followed.
It occurred to Starscream that as many times as he had failed his master, Shockwave had been praised for accomplishing even the most minute of tasks.  And the one time Starscream could prove his loyalty and usefulness, that same mech had dragged him away, calling him a fool and telling him to save himself.  It made him sick.
Starscream had failed again, but this time it had been Shockwave's fault and not his own.
He considered extinguishing the scientist.  He rubbed his spark instead.
He noticed Shockwave glance over his shoulder at the movement and all at once Starscream realized what he was doing.
His spark felt... odd.  He wondered if it was from the shock he was suffering or something else.  It seemed to spike.  Pain shot through his body, causing him to wince, and dissipated into the dull numbness he had quickly come to expect.  He rubbed harder, trying to sooth the growing pulse.
Shockwave seemed to be quite interested in his actions.
Where was Knockout when he needed him?
“I suggest we get to my lab as quickly as possible.”
Starscream glared at him.
“So that I may examine you for damage,” the mech explained.
“You're no doctor, Shockwave.”  Starscream's voice was tired, thin.
Another spike.  More pain.
He pushed himself to walk again.  
“Do you suppose Knockout is still online?” he asked, not really caring, but attempting to ignore the throbbing in his spark.
Shockwave seemed to catch on.  “It is likely.  After all, death would mean the abrasion of his lustrous finish.”
Starscream froze.  “Did you just make a joke?”
“Indeed.”
He shook his head and kept walking.  Surely Shockwave did not intend to attempt humor as a means of distracting the seeker from his current distress!  But what if he did?
It really should have been me.